【雅思作文批改】6分：基础不错 建议多用高级词汇

【雅思作文批改】6分：基础不错，建议多用高级词汇

今天跟大家分享这位小伙伴的作文，Ta已经不是第一次给我们发来作文啦，这次发了2篇，包括task1和task2,小作文5.5分，大作文6分，最终平均分为6分。（分点批改在最后面~）

task1




The table compares the average distance travelled per person per year by various vehicles in the year of 1985 and 2000.

At the bottom of the table, it can be seen that travelling distance[b1]went up from 4740 to 6475 miles, by almost 50 percent. Cars, the top popular vehicle, [b2] travelled 4806 miles in average in 2000. And it seems that cars accounted for most miles of travelling distance. Travelling by train and local bus took the second and third place respectively in the same year but only reached 366 and 274 miles. Hence, the most usual travelling vehicle is the car.

However, walking, bicycle and local bus became less popular, because their miles travelled dropped after the 15 years. For example, average walking distance is 255 miles per year in 1985 but only 237 miles in 2000. By the way, taxis are the most impossible mode for travelling. [b3] And travelers also use other tools sometimes.

预估得分：5.5分
点评：
1.概述了图表中的主要信息和重要信息，尤其是其中明显的数据也有详细的说明，在每种交通工具中遗漏了长途汽车（long distance bus）的描述，同样是汽车，其实也可以进行对比一下。
2.语言方面，没有什么大的问题，可以看出语法基础很好。总体来看，这篇写的还不错。


task2




I cannot totally agree with the idea that popular items sales are only related with advertisement because high sales of goods owe to various factors rather than just a single one. Hence, this statement is questionable.

First of all, there is no doubt that advertising is vital to the high sales of a certain item.

Undoubtedly, if a dependable star thinks highly of a product, people will pay more attention to it. For example, Lu Han, a handsome and industrious celebrity, endorses masks from the A Leaf company this year; hence, the masks sell quite well. In fact, I never heard of this brand before Lu Han's endorsement. Therefore, advertising is important to gain more popularity.

However, increasing demands of the society push sales as well. No one would pay for needless goods especially for people who are in a tight budget. Masks sell well because boys and girls have no problem regarding food and clothing supply since they can afford them. While at poor decades, people were busy with supporting their family instead of purchasing masks. Just as mentioned, real needs of the society drive sales too.

Last but not least, advertising results in high sales, but the figures do not depend on the promotion of the product. Actually, successful consumer goods include high quality, delicate packages, good opportunities and technical marketing and so on[b4] . After A Leaf is recognized by consumers, only fully-qualified masks help sales stay stable. That is to say, packages, chances and marketing are beneficial to the popularity to some extent, but everlasting fame is based on high quality and good faith.

In a word, I think complex factors account for a success of consumer goods.For this opinion, more evidence should be provided to verify it.

预估得分：6分
点评：
1.文章内容和结构完整，符合题目要求，分别从中间三段进行了论述，在事例例句方面，能列举身边的例子，这一点比较好，而且事例也比较恰当。
2.基础语法已经没有什么大的问题了。想要提分的话，可以从词汇和句式上再提高一些，这篇作文中，整体来看，词汇的使用和句式的运用比较一般，像这种and so on这样的短语尽量少用，可以平时积累一些更高级，更地道的表达方式。

[b1]这里表述不太明确，最好能够说明是所有的交通方式加在一起的数据，travelling distance [b1] by all vehicles went up from
[b2]其实这里说完使用最多的出租车，接着可以和最少的taxis进行对比，这样逻辑会更清楚，衔接也更顺畅
[b3]相比这里突然提到taxis过度就不是很好
[b4]想要的高分的话，这样太一般的表达建议少用，可以替换成：etc./et cetera